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Religious Humor
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: I recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is my hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, I apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but I thank them
When I Was Your Age ...
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
Helpful Priest?
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy�s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child�s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child�s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, �And now what, my little man?�
To which the boy replied, �Now we run!�
Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not." says his father.
"Why not?" asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
The Guardian Angel's Mistake
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
Five Jewish Men
Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
If God Had Voice Mail
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Caller ID
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided
to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM,
but his wife didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. BR>
He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few
things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right
away. He asked her why she hadn' t answered before, and she said that it hadn't
rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry
ways. BR>
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that
Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on
Saturday night.< BR>
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, 'It rang and rang, but
I didn't answer.' The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for
disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, 'That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday
night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me
to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I
looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!'
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from 'Almighty
God' is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God
Tabernacle!!
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