The Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It is always darkest before dawn.
So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to
do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like
everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try
missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in
their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're
a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him
how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again,
it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember
anything.
13. Some days you're the bug;
some days you're the
windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither
one works.
19. Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to
shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill
and a laxative the same night before you go to bed.
Good Advice
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word,
the reason why the human race has
not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would
be 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you
and almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine
. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them
until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.
What Are the Odds?
By: Natalie Josef
What are the Odds?
About one out of every three people in the United States thinks that winning the lottery is the only way to become financially secure.
But the odds of winning a single state lottery are about 18 million to 1.
That's why I laugh at my friends who buy lottery tickets to me,
it's just throwing money away.
The likelihood you'll be killed by lightning is roughly 2,650,000 to 1'
a lot more likely than winning the lottery.
Have you ever wondered how the odds stack up against each other?
For instance, did you know that your odds of winning an Olympic medal are roughly the same as drowning in the bathtub?
Check out these odds:
Odds of dying from a dog bite: 1 in 20 million
Odds of becoming a saint: 1 in 20 million
Odds of becoming president: 1 in 10,000,000
Odds of dying from parts falling off an airplane: 1 in 10,000,000
Odds you will be injured by a toilet this year: 1 in 10,000
Odds of finding a four-leaf clover on the first try: 1 in 10,000
Odds of spotting a UFO today: 1 in 3,000,000
Odds of dying from food poisoning: 1 in 3,000,000
Odds of dying from a shark attack: 1 in 300,000,000
Odds of dying from Measles: 1 in 300,000,000
Odds of a child being in a fatal automobile accident: 1 in 23,000
Odds of being wrongly declared dead by a Social Security data entry mistake: 1 in 23,483
Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 1 in 220
Odds of dating a millionaire: 1 in 215
Odds of getting AIDS from heterosexual sex without using a condom: 1 in 5,000,000
Odds of dying from contact with hot tap water: 1 in 5,005,564
Odds of winning an Academy Award: 1 in 11,500
Odds of bowling a 300 game: 1 in 11,500
Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 1 in 4464
Odds of dying on a bicycle: 1 in 4472
Odds of being murdered: 1 in 18,000
Odds of dying in a car accident: 1 in 18,585
Odds of getting arthritis: 1 in 7
Odds you don�t have health insurance: 1 in 7
Odds of dying from heart disease: 1 in 3
Odds of an American woman developing cancer in her lifetime: 1 in 3
Odds that you will die from the collision of an asteroid hitting the earth in the next one hundred years: 1 in 500,000
Odds of a non-felon being murdered with a gun: 1 in 500,000
Odds of being in a plane crash: 1 in 500,000
I think we need to keep things in perspective and ignore the commercials that tell you to start dreaming about the millions you're going to win in the lottery.
Actually, just ignore TV altogether.
While they're busy recalling every vegetable for fear of salmonella, no one is mentioning the fact that you're more likely to die of appendicitis than salmonella.
How many people do you know who've died from appendicitis?
The moral here?
Eat your vegetables and don't play the lottery
my daughter said;
so in some alternate universe, GWB got hit by the falling wing of an airplane;ha-ha
LIFE IN THE 1500'S ..true facts
.........my parents were there and told me these were true...
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, some brides started carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed areal problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came in to existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the f ire and added things to the pot.They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen t able for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding awake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house,and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornica
formerly known as California .
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z.. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces ma il delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches; with
only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.
I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!
The difference between the North and the South -
at last, clearly
explained...!!!
The North has Blooming dale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions .
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has Grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South:
--If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic
. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try
to help them, just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
do not
buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all 's' is
plural possessive
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't
understand you either!
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy
. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial
about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,'
you should stay out
of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow,
your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It
doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are
proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to
pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we
will accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits!!!
COST OF A BRAIN
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,'
he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded,
'$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out
the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used.'
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