Remember this is humor
and Im not sure that God smiled,maybe He cried.
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world
but what has He done since then?
God and I do not agree with this statement;
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results
.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry,
He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
A little old lady's prayer answered
There was a little old lady who every morning stepped
onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky and
shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'
One day an atheist moved into the ho use next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way
every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old
lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
'PRAISE THE
LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for
me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and
there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out.
'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES
FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and
shouted:
'PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND
MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
.
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: I recognize that religious humor can be risky.
It is my hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable.
If you find any of these objectionable, I apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but I thank them
When I Was Your Age ...
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn
and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy.
"We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked.
When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
graham crackers
Q10. Presbyterian minister Sylvester Graham invented graham crackers:
To offset the unhealthy effects of sexual desire
Helpful Priest?
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small,
and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time,
the priest moved across the street
and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the childs shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the childs level,
the priest smiled benevolently and asked,
And now what, my little man?
To which the boy replied, Now we run!
Guardian angel's mistake
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near-death experience.
During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time.
The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days
and have a facelift,
liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed
by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in heaven again,
sees her guardian angel and says,
"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"
The angel replies,
"Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
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